Moving Past the Fear

I have made a lot of decisions in my life based on fear.  In fact, it has taken me a long time to realize this fact.  Most of the fear that I had was about being judged.  I have lived my entire life as a fat person.  I was a chunky kid that became a fat teenager and an even fatter adult.  My weight as an adult has varied but I have always been fat.  Not just fat but obese.  I know this, I understand this, but like many people in my situation I ignore how bad it has been.  Looking back now, I feared judgment.  I am no different than the average person and I wanted to be liked and seen as a person.  Many people have seen me as a person but you still run across people that only see a fat person and not just a person.  I know that is their issue but it hurts.  It hurts a lot.  I hated high school, this is not saying that I don't have some fond memories of high school but as a whole I didn't enjoy it.  I never fit in, there where a lot of reasons for that but chief among them was my weight.  It is very hard to be a fat teenager.  Now this is a lot more common place now but back then, in my school, it was not.  Now this is not a cry for sympathy just something that I wanted to get out.  That hate for high school made me drop out.  My senior year.  Pure craziness now when I look back but then it was my safety mechanism.  Moving on to college, those fears came back.  I will admit they were not as bad but then again is anything ever as bad as a teenage mind makes it out to be? 

From the time I was a kid and this is no joke I was a KID, I wanted to be a lawyer.  Not just a lawyer, I wanted to be a criminal prosecutor.  Now I did ok in college (the first time) and I made some wonderful friends and I had some great times.  However, when it came time to really think about law school and everything that goes with it I chickened out.  I let that fear take over.  Now I made some really great excuses about lawyers and not liking them but I really think I just got scared.  Couple that fear with having maybe a bit too much fun and not getting stellar grades and bingo no law school for me.  So what did I do?  I turned to a job that was convenient and didn't require me to go looking for it.  My sister got my job for me.  Lame I know but it is true.  I have been at that same job for 14 years now.  I have had to opportunity to leave over the years but that fear of change and being judged kept me right where I am.  Now don't get me wrong, I have liked my job and some of the people that I worked with.  I could lie and say I have loved everyone I worked with but it would be just that, a lie.  Anyway, I think that during this time I suffered from depression.  Not deep despair depression but depression nonetheless. 

I didn't take the risks that my heart was screaming for me to take.  I didn't date, I didn't travel, I just didn't take risks, and in all of that I wasn't living.  I was existing.  It makes me sad to think about how much of my life I lived that way.  When I started on MFP (for those that don't know it is a free weight loss website) I was just finding my way out of the fear.  The year before I had taken my first risk and I think that was probably my first real strike in finding me.  MFP helped, the wonderful people that I met there helped, taking risks helped, traveling helped.  I have spent the last three and a half years finding my way back to me.  The me that I am not sure I ever really knew.  My sisters said that I reverted back to a teenager for a while and I think that maybe true.  I think that was when I really lost my way so for a while I acted like I was sixteen again, or eighteen, or twenty-one.  I flirted, I showed skin, I drank a bit too much, and in general I had a whole lot of fun.  I regret nothing.  I feel like now, I am settling into the adult me.  I have had a bit of a setback with the weight and I am trying to not let it affect me.  I still get the oh noes I am being judged feeling but I work hard to let it go.  I have a confidence that I am not sure I ever really had in my life.  I am trying new things, including writing, and just in general I am trying to make sure that I live.  Existing is for the birds, trust me. 

So for my next year, I plan on working off some of this weight, graduating from college (again), finishing my books and hopefully getting them published, learning to drive, applying to and starting grad school, taking a road trip with my best friend, and in general I plan on living life to the fullest.  I want to be able to look back and say wow, I might of started slow but I certainly made up for it.  I want to live a life that makes me happy. 

When it comes to this blog, I don't write any of these for kudos or sympathy.  I write these because it is the shit in my head but mainly because I hope that someone out there reads what I write and relates and maybe just maybe it helps them.  I know if I had read something like this in the height of my bad place it would have helped me. 

Unthankful?!? Are you SERIOUS?!?!?!

I know it is Thanksgiving but I have to say this.  I saw a comment earlier that said "if you are complaining about working today then you are unthankful for your job."  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?  I am sorry but when did it become a crime to complain but more to the point when did we become a society that thinks it can not function without shopping on Thanksgiving Day.  Unlike Christmas, Thanksgiving is one of those rare American holidays that crosses all boundaries.  It doesn't matter what race, religion, nationality, or anything else that you are.  If you are American, you should be given the opportunity to spend it with your family and/or friends.  I understand that there are some businesses that are open and have to be open but retail stores?  Is that video game from Best Buy essential to your day?  I remember when I was younger you would be lucky to find a grocery store open on Thanksgiving day and now you can go buy pretty much anything all day long.  Meanwhile, these people that work in these jobs are forced to deal with people that simply can't go a day without shopping.  Seriously when did our values become so warped?  We survived for YEARS without stores being open on Thanksgiving...hell we survived for years without stores opening in the wee hours of the morning on the Friday after.  There was a time when retailers respected their employees and their time with their families but no more.  Nothing is more important than the almighty dollar.  In this day of online shopping, is it really necessary for stores to force employees to work these insane hours?  Wouldn't it be more beneficial to them financially if they ran great online sales and then simply opened up at regular time on Friday? 

So to the person that says someone is unthankful for their job because they complain about working on Thanksgiving, I would like to say this...how would you feel if you were forced to go teach on Thanksgiving or do some one's accounting books or wash some one's car or fill in the blank with your job would you think it was so ridiculous then to complain?  I refuse to shop on Thanksgiving and I refuse to shop on Black Friday.  This is how I feel about it and I make no apologies.  I watched my brother tonight leave his family (without one complaint) and head to Best Buy to work.  So yes this hits close to home for me.  Buy hey at least you got a good deal on that TV and then went home to YOUR FAMILY.

Some of What I am Thankful For....

I have spent a lot of time the last few months focusing on what is wrong in my life.  To be honest, it has been a challenge.  Major changes at work have filtered into all aspects of my life.  However, I have to stop focusing on what is wrong in my life and start realizing just how blessed my life truly is.  Now I am not going to paint my life to be some fairytale but if I really think about it I have much more to be thankful for than to complain about.  So here it goes a list of a few things that I have to be thankful for.

1.   I woke up today.  Not just woke up but I have no major health problems.
2.   I have a home that I own.  Not just a house but a home.
3.   I have a job.  It may not be my dream job but I have a really good job that pays well.
4.   Speaking of money, I have the money to live a comfortable life.  I can pay my bills, provide food, electricity, cell phone, cable, etc.  There are many people that see things beyond basics as luxuries but for me they are basics.
5.   I have all of my mental faculties.  I am not saying this to be funny but this is something that I am truly thankful for daily.  I love to learn and it would not be possible without this.
6.   I have a truly amazing and supportive family.  These are people that I would want to be friends with even if we weren't related.
7.   I have friends that love me like family.  People that I know have my back no matter what.
8.   I have a crazy supportive support system.  The kind that when I say hey I kinda started writing a novel, they respond with you can do this...it isn't crazy at all....it is really good....you should try to publish. 
9.   I have a guy that knows me, the real me, and still cares. 
10. I am so close to reaching a goal I can almost taste it.  May 9, 2014 I graduate from college with a double BA in History and English.
11.  I have a cat that I adore.  May sound crazy to some people but I love pets, they are family, so yes I am thankful for my baby Flower.
12.  I have had the chance to travel and see wonderful and new things.
13.  I have met people that inspire me to be a better person. 
14.  I have the freedom to believe what I want, say what I want, and pray to who I want. 
15.  I may have said it before but my family and friends.  I am the person that I am today because of them.  My immediate, extended, and bonus families are all blessings and my friends.  Seriously everyone should have as wonderful friends as I do. 

These are just a few and there are tons of little things that I am thankful for, like:  coffee, sweet tea, chocolate, air conditioning, my cat, smart phones, books, turkey (I really love turkey), writing, books, random texts, laughing until I cry with my bestie, making up stories with my sister, listening to the wind in the leaves, feeling sunshine on my face, football, books, comfy jeans, laughing, and did I say books?

I hope that everyone takes a minute to stop and think of the blessings they have in their lives.  I bet more than one of you reading this, I consider a blessing in mine.

Starting Over Again (Sort Of)

So this in my confession.  Almost three years ago I started on a free weight loss website.  I had finally seen the real me in the mirror and I was horrified.  I started on February 13, 2011.  I am not sure exactly how high I was when I first started but about two weeks in I weighed for the first time and my weight was 446.8 lbs.  Yup that is right folks I said 446.8.  I was horribly ashamed.  How in the world had I allowed myself to get that big?  But anyone that has struggled with weight knows that it is pretty damn easy.  So I started and I counted my calories and I exercised and the weight began to just melt away.  Along the way I struggled with other aspects of weight loss that I had never in a million years anticipated and that was the mental aspect.  I had never realized that I would have to adjust my mind along with my body.  I would have to realize that the smaller me was real and not some strange illusion.  So I struggled but I was still losing weight.  By November of that year I reached my highest weight loss, 118 lbs.  That is right I had gotten all the way down 328 lbs and I could almost taste the 200s.  However, that was when life decided to come crashing down.  I had some personal issues that derailed me mentally and school caused me to have a complete meltdown.  I don't mean like mental hospital but I was struggling...badly.  I have amazing friends and family and they helped pull me through.  I also have met some truly amazing people on my weight loss site that talked me through.  When I say talked me through I mean like I am crying and trying to study and being messaged that I am brilliant and wonderful and I got this...etc.  Yeah like I said AMAZING support.  But with all the life pressure I put the weight loss thing on hold, telling myself I would pick it back up after the holidays.  Well the holidays passed and it became well I will pick it back up X and then I would pick it back up Y.  You get the picture.  Meanwhile my weight began to creep back up.  Now I am not saying that I went off the rails with everything and I did half ass it from time to time but I never did it like I had been.  Now I will have to say that for various reasons 2012 was wonderful and rough at the same time.  I traveled and had one of the best years, personally BUT I struggled with work issues.  Back when I had been having my meltdown at the end of 2011 I changed jobs and well let's just say it added to my problems instead of helping.

Fast forward to now.  I have continued to half ass and the weight has continued to creep back on.  Lately I kinda have gone off the rails.  Stepping on the scale yesterday I had inched back over that dreaded 400 lb mark.  All I could think was how in the hell did I let this happen?  How did I undo all of my hard work?  However, I can't beat myself up for it.  What I have to do is start again.  I may not be starting back where I was but I still have to start again.  This time I am better prepared and while I do regret the weight gain I don't regret everything.  I learned a LOT about myself last year.  I found a confidence in myself that had been hidden for a very long time.  So now I just have to bring it all together and reconcile the person in my head with the person on the scale.  Once I do, I know I will be able to move mountains.

*Insert Witty Title Here*

So I posted a blog in the wee hours of the morning on Monday with the beginnings of a story.  I honestly didn't know where that would go from there but I got it out of my head and I was able to sleep.  So let me tell you where it has gone from there....I am 6 chapters in and sitting at about 28 pages.  I have done only the most basic of editing so I don't know how it will end up but I am freaking loving this.  A little background for those that don't know me....I work full time in an accounting office and I go to school.  I am a couple of weeks from finishing the semester and then in May 2014 I will graduate with a BA in English and a BA in History.  Yeah yeah I know what you are thinking, geez girl could you have picked to more useless degrees?  Oh wait it gets better.  I have a BA in Criminal Justice already.  So now you are thinking, wait so why the f*@k are you working in an accounting office?!?  Well long story short, opportunity + lack of clue what to do with CJ degree + job + money + security = 14 years in an accounting office.  I could go into more detail but that would be better left for another blog.  SOOOOO fast forward and time travel back to the here and now.  After working for many years and realizing that I was good at what I did but that I did not want to be 65 years old and still doing it I went back to school.  I started as just an English major but my intense inner nerd wanted a bigger outlet and so History was added.  With what ends in mind?  Glad you asked, I want to teach...college.  HAHAHA yeah I know, those school haters out there are crawling out of their skins at the very thought of going to school every day just to work at school.  Oh well, call me a glutton for punishment, but I want to be that teacher.  You know the one, well I sincerely hope you know the one, that is so in love with their subject they inspire you even if it is just a little.  That teacher that makes learning that subject actually interesting and dare I say even a little fun.  I want to be that teacher.  I have been extremely fortunate to have run across many of those in my years of school.  One in middle school, one in high school, and many in college.  Funny thing about those ones in public school, they were both English teachers...hmmm coincidence?  Maybe.  So there you have it.  I am months from my undergrad degrees with graduate school (and perhaps law school but that is definitely something for another blog) in my sites.  In allllllll of this schooling I have never ever written a piece of pure fiction.  Until this semester.  I won't go on and on but I have one of those awesome and inspiring professors right now and because of some university mubojumbo we are required to write a paper.  His bright idea?  Pick an object around your house, it can be anything (well but please no sex toys) and write a paper about that object.  Sounds boring right?  Well here is the kicker...we are to write it as if we are an archaeologist 2000 years in the future.  What would they think this object was?  What mistakes would that make?  What would they think it said about our society?  NOW this sounds interesting.  My personal idea?  I have a replica of an old Scooby Doo metal lunch box.  I keep things like credit cards that I am trying not to use, my social security card, my voter registration card, ticket stubs I want to keep, my blood certification card, my tribal membership card....well you get the idea.  Those things that should probably be in a safe or something are in my Scooby lunch box.  So I chose the lunch box and a couple of things from inside for my paper.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.  I did it diary style and I had a freaking blast.  I had never unleashed my creative writing before and I eventually had to make myself stop (a full 1000 words past our requirement).  Well I got this paper back just this past Tuesday and who made a 100?  That is right...THIS GIRL!  YES!

So what does all this have to do with the book.  Yeah well simmer down I am getting back to that soon.  I had a friend that had told me repeatedly that I was a writer at heart and I NEEDED to start writing.  I would constantly blow him of with a yeah ok whatever you say Chris.  Well he was right and I sincerely wish right now that I could thank him but sadly he was like so many people that we have in our lives, he has come and gone.  I guess I will always have him to thank for instilling in my brain that I could and should write.  So (and yes I am FINALLY back to the book) when I couldn't get that story out of my head on Monday I decided to write it down.  I am glad I did.  I got terrific feedback on those couple of pages and from a few people that I really trust I was told it was good and I should keep going.  So I have.  Now with school and work it has not been easy and I don't know how much I will get done over the next couple of weeks but I am going to try and work on it as much as I can.  It is fun and inspiring and just calming.  Strange I hadn't realized that until I typed it but it is calming.  My mind is racing and sometimes I feel like I am on crack because I am trying to type so fast but it is calming.  Perhaps it is just calming a part of me that has been screaming and crying to get out.  Hmmm food for thought.  I may post tidbits on here from time to time but I think that I am going to try and get it published when I get done so I don't want to put too much out there.  We will see.

So for now I am going to write my own way and just let things happen.  Anyway you look at it I will definitely enjoy this and so will anyone who reads it (or so I hope). 

A Very Rough Draft

SOOOO I was trying to sleep and this story started rolling around in my head.  I decided to get this part down....not sure where it may go (if anywhere) but here you go.  My very first attempt at writing (outside of school that is).

 

Katy awoke heart hammering and body tensed.  She rolled over and peered at the clock 3am.  Fuck.  I need sleep.  It was the dream again, the same damn dream.  She was so tired of this and all she wanted was one decent night’s sleep.  She lay there and tried to calm her racing heart and empty her racing mind.  Hopefully she could catch a few more hours sleep; she needed to look her best today.  Today was so important to her future and to Jason’s future.  She rummaged around in her mind for all of the happy and peaceful thoughts she could summon and settled on Christmas when she was seven.  As she lost herself in those happy memories, she could feel her heart start to slow and her body start to relax.  She finally drifted back to sleep but slept fitfully and woke up a few hours later groggy and melancholy.

Stumbling to the shower, she hoped hot water would revive her.  Finally dressed and feeling somewhat human, she headed to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup.  Thank goodness for timers on coffee pots she thought, for the umpteenth time.  Settling down at the table, she pulled her notepad over and started her list for the day.  She smiled as she thought of how often Jason would give her shit for her lists, asking her if she had a list to keep track of her lists.  As she jotted down what she needed to remember and what she need to bring to the meeting, she could help but think of her parents.  She knew they would be so proud of her and would be rooting her on today.  Finished with her coffee and her list, she gathered up her stuff and stopped to look in the mirror one last time.  As she inspected herself, she saw the tell-tell signs of sleep deprivation but she looked as good as she could.  She told herself, Katilyn Allison Moore you can do this.  Everything is riding on you and this interview so put those big girl panties on and nail this.

Arriving at the admissions office, Katy nervously checked her list again.  Mrs. Landry, office 235, ok Katy you can do this, stop being a wuss.  She moved towards the door of the office and knocked.  Mrs. Landry opened the door and warmly greeted her, “You must be Katilyn Moore, come in, and have a seat.”  Katy glanced around the office as she sat.  The warm tones of maroon and brown were what she had come to expect of this campus.  It all came across as inviting and perhaps even a bit refined.  She had always loved the vibes she got from this campus and she finally realized that Mrs. Landry was speaking to her.  “…..and so with your scores we thought you might be a nice fit for our school.  Your resume is impressive, but your personal statement was vague.  Perhaps you would like to elaborate on it some?”  Katy stammered, “I would be happy to answer whatever you would like to know, Mrs. Landry.”  “Well then, why don’t we start with an easy question, why do you want to be a lawyer?”  Katy stared and swallowed hard, “Would you like the long answer or the longer answer?”  “Why don’t you give me both answers.”

Well I have wanted to be a lawyer since I was a child.  When all the other kids were playing cops and robbers or school, I was playing lawyer.  Katy laughed, “I was the kid that was trying to drag the robber to court.”  As I got older, the love of the law and everything about it solidified.  I would endlessly watch law dramas and read courtroom dramas.  I would also devour any book on a famous lawyer or judge.  I just saw everything that was good and right with the system and I wanted to be a part of it.  Mrs. Landry looked at Katy and could sense the but that was coming.  “Please Katy continue because I can tell there is something else.”

Well, that was how I viewed the law and the legal system my whole life, until two years ago.  In one night, my whole life changed and everything that has happened since then has opened my eyes to the harsh reality of the legal system.  It made me realize that innocent people go to jail for crimes they didn’t commit.  It made me realize that the truth does not always prevail.  It made me realize that good lawyers are few and far between.  It made me realize that no matter how much I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, now I NEED to be a lawyer.  It added to my passion in ways that I can scarcely relate to you.  I need this.  I need to get in here and I need to finish my degree.  I promise you Mrs. Landry you will not be able to find someone that will work harder than I will. 

Mrs. Landry sat and studied Katy but she was not prepared for the answer she would get to her next question.  “Katy, what happened two years ago that changed your view of the legal system so dramatically?”  Katy sighed almost imperceptibly and steeled herself for Mrs. Landry’s reaction.  “Two years ago my parents were murdered.”  “Oh my dear I am so sorry and I understand how..”  “That isn’t all of it.”  Mrs. Landry fell silent and waited.  “My parents were murdered and my brother is on death row for their murders.”  Mrs. Landry sat, stunned into silence.  Katy went on, “You see, this is why I need to get my law degree.  I need to be able to help my brother.  I need to be a resource for him and we have a long fight ahead of us.  There are few things that I am sure of in my life anymore but I know that I need this and I know that Jason is innocent.  These are the things that are keeping me going.”

So What's The Problem?

I was talking to a friend this week about giving advice.  You know it is "easy" to talk to someone and hear their problems and give them advice.  It is easy to see the hidden nuances of someone else's life and give them really good and sound advice.  So the question is....why oh why is it so hard to do the same to our own life?

Why do we find it so hard to look at the flaws in our own lives and follow our own advice?  I am not saying we should dwell on the negatives of life but if we have a problem, why can we understand and see the solution for someone else and not ourselves?  Is it that we don't want to believe our problem is as bad as someone else or is it that we just can't implement the changes we know we need to make?  I have talked and talked and given advice on jobs, relationships, family, health, etc to others BUT I just can not seem to implement that in my own life.  I know I am not alone in this.

I have a very blessed life.  I have a good job that pays well.  I own my own home.  I have money to pay my bills.  I have a wonderful family that loves and supports me.  I have great friends.  I am truly blessed.  This does not mean I live a charmed life.  I have my own problems.  I have things that I can and should change, that would only increase my happiness, but I just can't seem to make those changes.  I let life and excuses get in the way.  I always think, "I will start that tomorrow" or "I will try that next time."  When will tomorrow or next time be now?  When will I start short changing myself and my happiness?

I don't have these magical answers.  I guess when it comes to things I want to change or take control of I should follow my own advice and do one thing at a time.  I honestly don't know if anyone is or will read these blogs and if they do if they will even be able to follow my train of thought.  I think I will just use them with the belief that someone is reading them and agreeing with me.  Someone else out there feels like this.  Does this help?  Not sure but I am going to write and write and perhaps along the way I will find the answers.  Somewhere along the way I will stop making it tomorrow and start making it today. 

The Fear Instinct

I, for those that do not know, have a degree in criminal justice.  During the course of my studies I took a class on homicide.  The professor of this class had several speakers come in and talk to us and one spoke about the fear instinct.  The gut feeling that women, because it is most often women, get when they come into contact with a person that for some unknown reason feels off.  That little twinge that you get, that tells you this person is or could be dangerous.  He told us that more often than not women ignore this instinct.  We do this mainly because we have been taught for years that it is rude to not speak when someone speaks or it is rude to walk away from someone that is engaging you in conversation.  Now he didn't say that men don't get this but that women are hardwired to have a stronger reaction than men.  I won't get into the huge debate that this could cause, ie women are the weaker sex or whatever because that is not the point of this blog.

What is my point you may ask.  Well this is my point.  I have never had one of those severe instinctual reactions to a person before.  Sure I have had the, this guy gives me the creeps reaction or this will end badly reaction, but never the adrenaline inducing fight or flight reaction.  I got to experience that yesterday.  I was going to the ladies room at the public library and there was a man loitering in the hall by the elevator.  Almost as soon as I saw him, it was an immediate reaction.  I would have turned around and waited to go but I really had to go.  So I kept my pace and he moved further down the hall, closer to the bathroom, and started looking at the bulletin board.  It honestly didn't look like he was reading anything but was simply pretending to read.  I walk right past him and headed into the bathroom.  My heart was hammering and I was completely unnerved.  I went into the stall and was doing what I came in to do when I heard the door open.  Ok so now I was bordering on panic.  I peered under the stalls to see which stall the person went into and sat there a minute trying to figure out what I should do.  Seriously, that is how weirded out I was.  I heard the door open again and a third person came in and went into another stall.  I took this as my opportunity and went to the sink and very quickly washed my hands and got the hell out of there.  I didn't even take the time to dry them.  I didn't see the man on my way out and honestly I have no idea if he was the second person that came in that bathroom.  He could have been completely normal and simply waiting on a friend.  I don't know.  I spent the next half an hour or so trying to calm myself back down but I was never comfortable in the library for the rest of the day.

Here is my whole point in sharing this....if you get that little instinct DO NOT IGNORE IT.  And please teach your children to not ignore it.  Isn't it better for someone to think you are rude than to end up robbed, rapped, or who knows what?  Isn't it better for your children to be considered a brat by a stranger than to be snatched?  I ignored all the bells and whistles that were going off in my head and I shouldn't have.  This time I walked away, next time I may not be as lucky.

Call Me Old Fashioned

I saw a meme posted on fb that had the quote that "mistakes are just proof that you are trying."  This seems to be a trend in thinking that I see everywhere now.  I have to say that I call BS on this whole line of thinking.  Let's break this down.  Trying is something that is good when we are looking at in terms of something you would never normally do....like say go hiking or lift heavy things.  Yeah you get mega points for trying and you will probably make mistakes and learn better ways of doing those things.

However I am seeing this attitude applied to work ethic and that is just straight up BS.  I was brought up the old school way...ie you do it right the first time or you don't do it at all.  It is not better to try something and fuck it all up and then leave that for someone else to clean up.  YOU make the mistake YOU fix it.  So many younger people (yeah I said it and yeah I know how old that makes me sound) have this attitude that..oh well I tried but _________ (fill in the blank..I don't like it/it didn't work/I can't do it/I don't understand/etc) and then they just walk away.  Like ok but that shit still needs to be done...do you want a cookie just because you tried???  So many people are not being taught the importance of hard work.  I am not saying that I don't make mistakes...anyone that knows me knows that isn't true.  What I am saying is that if I mess something up I fix it.  I understand that this is probably the sentiment behind the meme (and who in the hell came up with the word meme?  that is just freaking strange) but most often that is not how it is applied by people.

In truth I blame the parents of this generation for this attitude.  They started this shit way back when they were kids.  I know there are people (well if anyone is actually reading this) that just called me a whole bunch of ugly words but I don't care.  You want to know why I say this?  Well let me explain, when I was a kid if you wanted to be on a baseball team, football team, or whatever sport there was you had to try out.  If you weren't any good you didn't make the team.  End of story.  You sulked or more than likely you then either found a sport you were better at or you worked your butt off to get better at that sport so the next time you could make the team.  That was how it was.  Not everyone made the team.  These may seem like harsh lessons but that is how life is.  I have never heard of some crazy killer that became that way because he didn't make the little league team.  Now days?  Every kid makes the team and not only that the coaches are required to play every kid.  WTF?!?  I am sorry but that does not teach kids the right lessons.  Everyone shouldn't make the team and everyone shouldn't get a trophy.  Sorry but that is the truth.  When did we become such a pussified society?  When did we start rewarding people for being mediocre?  Probably about the same time we started holding graduation ceremonies for every freaking grade level.  Oh yeah Johnny you made it out of the fifth grade, let's throw a party.  Wrong.  You know what this breeds?  Young adults that sit at their jobs and think that because they showed up that day their boss should be happy.  I have seen this attitude in action and I have heard many a tale about this attitude.  So no I am not pulling this out of my ass.

So I am sorry but I don't reward people for "trying" unless they are "trying" by pushing their physical limits.  When it comes to work, you should strive for more than just trying.  You learn, you ask questions, you take notes, you take your time, and you do everything within your power to do it right.  If you mess it up?  You fix it, so that the next time you do it right.  That is what I was taught.

I probably jumped the shark at some point during this blog, I had written this really brilliantly in my head but whatever.  I tried right?

My first blog *wipes tear

So yeah this is my very first blog.... well on this site.   I have done a bit of blogging on another website but I was never very consistent.   Honestly who knows how consistent I will be with this one.  So I have a friend (yup Christine I am talking about you!) that blogs both fiction and non-fiction and she kinda inspired me.  I have been told by a writer friend that I have the soul of a writer but I have never written anything in the fiction realm.... until yesterday.   I had to write a paper for my history class that was pure fiction and it was AWESOME!  So here I am the very next day with my own platform to write whatever I like.   So my intentions are to write about my life but who knows where this will lead.   So if there is anyone reading this. ... welcome and I hope you enjoy the ride.