I know it has been a some time since I last posted a blog but December has been something of a roller coaster. I am not writing this for sympathy or anything it is just something that I want to get out of my brain. I lost two women from my life at the beginning of December that had very different impacts on my life but they both left indelible marks on my life.
We got word that my Aunt had passed away on December 3rd. I won't sit and pretend that I was super close to my Aunt because that would be a lie. I do however have very fond memories of my Aunt. My sisters were the ones that were closest to my Aunt but they may have been because they had more time with her. While we physically lost my Aunt on December 3rd we lost her mentally 22 years ago. My Aunt had an aneurysm that leaked in April of 1991. After her brain surgery to repair the leak she was never the same person. She could no longer care for herself and she became rather mean. I understand why she became that way, she had always been an extremely independent person and she had lived her life her own way. And now she was completely dependent and she channeled this frustration into anger towards anyone that was around. Understandable? Yes but it made things hard. So I never knew the Aunt that my sisters had known. I had gotten brief glimpses of her but I didn't know her like they did. However, the time I did know her created very fond memories. I remember being 8 years old and desperately wanting the set of Little House on the Prairie books that I had seen at the bookstore for Christmas. Now they were kind of pricey and my parents had four kids but I didn't care I WANTED those books....and guess what was waiting for me under the Christmas tree that morning courtesy of my Aunt? Yup those books, which I read until they fell apart and I am not joking, they fell to pieces I read them so much. I had them taped together and everything. I was so excited and happy to open those books. Speaking of reading, I remember staying with my Aunt for a week one summer, she was an avid reader and there were tons of books lying around her house. Now these were not books meant for an 11 year old but I didn't care, after my Aunt would go to bed I would sneak and read her Jackie Collins books. LOL, no kidding I read Bitch when I was 11. This may be why I still love Jackie Collins books, they remind me of AM (that was our name for her, Aunt Martha became AM). During that same time my Aunt took me with her to an AA meeting. This may sound crazy to some people but my Aunt had found support there. My Uncle (my Aunt's brother), my Aunt's ex-boyfriend, and my Aunt's ex-husband had all been alcoholics and my Aunt had dealt with her own issues, so AA was something that was part of her life. She was not about to change her routine because I was there with her. I honestly don't remember what was said but I remember the feeling. I remember how supportive everyone was of each other. I remember how loving everyone was and welcoming. I, of course, had never met anyone there but they all welcomed me with open arms. It was something I will never forget. I could go on and on talking about memories of my Aunt and I do have many. She was the fun and cool Aunt that most people have around. I wish that things had worked out differently and I had the opportunity to make the memories with her that my sisters have but I will just have to hold on to the ones I do have.
On the heels of this, I found out that my roommate and good friend in college had passed away. This was so completely shocking. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around this one. Unlike my Aunt, there was nothing to foreshadow Kelly's passing. Kelly was a warm, genuine, and all together wonderful person. She had achieved her goal of becoming a Criminal Justice professor and all you have to do is look at the outpouring of love on her FB page from her students to see how much she affected them. I know for me she taught me many lessons that I will carry with me forever. She has to be one of the most open and loving people that I have ever met. For Kelly, doing things for others was second nature. She was also very big on letting you know in everyday life how important you were to her and not saving it for a commercial holiday. Her smile and laugh were just infectious and I have a hard time believing I will never see or hear them again. I haven't seen Kelly in a long time and I know this is normal for college friends. I graduated with my BA before she did and moved back home. Kelly was a graduate student and went on to finish her PhD at Sam. We kept in touch off and on. When I found out that she was teaching, I told her that I would like to do that too. It was pretty much the first time I had admitted that to anyone. She told me that she knew I could do it and would be a great professor. That is the kind of person that Kelly was, the eternal cheerleader. She always wanted her friends to succeed but she would tell you the truth. Kelly didn't sugarcoat things, she would absolutely tell you what needed to be said. I know as much as I am struggling with this, it is a million times worse for her close friends and family. I would never presume to place myself among her close friends now, too much time has passed. However, the memories of those years at Sam are burned into my head. I had hoped to see her again this coming summer when I made a road trip to the East coast but I guess that was not to be.
I know that both of these women are in better places and I don't even presume to know or understand God's plan. However, I wish that things had been different. I wish that I had that chance to know the AM that my sisters knew. I wish I had one more chance to hang out with Kelly. But I don't. I just have to keep their memories close and seek comfort in knowing that I will see them both again someday.
