So this in my confession. Almost three years ago I started on a free weight loss website. I had finally seen the real me in the mirror and I was horrified. I started on February 13, 2011. I am not sure exactly how high I was when I first started but about two weeks in I weighed for the first time and my weight was 446.8 lbs. Yup that is right folks I said 446.8. I was horribly ashamed. How in the world had I allowed myself to get that big? But anyone that has struggled with weight knows that it is pretty damn easy. So I started and I counted my calories and I exercised and the weight began to just melt away. Along the way I struggled with other aspects of weight loss that I had never in a million years anticipated and that was the mental aspect. I had never realized that I would have to adjust my mind along with my body. I would have to realize that the smaller me was real and not some strange illusion. So I struggled but I was still losing weight. By November of that year I reached my highest weight loss, 118 lbs. That is right I had gotten all the way down 328 lbs and I could almost taste the 200s. However, that was when life decided to come crashing down. I had some personal issues that derailed me mentally and school caused me to have a complete meltdown. I don't mean like mental hospital but I was struggling...badly. I have amazing friends and family and they helped pull me through. I also have met some truly amazing people on my weight loss site that talked me through. When I say talked me through I mean like I am crying and trying to study and being messaged that I am brilliant and wonderful and I got this...etc. Yeah like I said AMAZING support. But with all the life pressure I put the weight loss thing on hold, telling myself I would pick it back up after the holidays. Well the holidays passed and it became well I will pick it back up X and then I would pick it back up Y. You get the picture. Meanwhile my weight began to creep back up. Now I am not saying that I went off the rails with everything and I did half ass it from time to time but I never did it like I had been. Now I will have to say that for various reasons 2012 was wonderful and rough at the same time. I traveled and had one of the best years, personally BUT I struggled with work issues. Back when I had been having my meltdown at the end of 2011 I changed jobs and well let's just say it added to my problems instead of helping.
Fast forward to now. I have continued to half ass and the weight has continued to creep back on. Lately I kinda have gone off the rails. Stepping on the scale yesterday I had inched back over that dreaded 400 lb mark. All I could think was how in the hell did I let this happen? How did I undo all of my hard work? However, I can't beat myself up for it. What I have to do is start again. I may not be starting back where I was but I still have to start again. This time I am better prepared and while I do regret the weight gain I don't regret everything. I learned a LOT about myself last year. I found a confidence in myself that had been hidden for a very long time. So now I just have to bring it all together and reconcile the person in my head with the person on the scale. Once I do, I know I will be able to move mountains.
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